I MISS CHOCOLATE!

I miss eating chocolate. I love chocolate. I could eat it all day long. I can not eat very much of it any more. The sugar in it makes me feel terrible. The sugar free stuff sucks! I found I can have one or 2 small squares and that is it. But only have one or two small squares is really hard to do. It takes lots of self control.

I am now down 54lb. It feels like it is not coming off fast enough. I have to keep remembering that I only had the surgery 4 months ago. It seems like I had it forever ago! I am wearing pants now that are 3 sizes smaller. It is taking longer for the tops to decrease in size but that is because of the girls. But they too are shrinking. Down 2 bra sizes! Bob is not happy about that.

Eating is so much easier now. I can eat almost anything. Well almost. I still do not eat any pasta. I have not even tried it but do not miss it and other people that I know that have had the surgery have a hard time getting it to go down. I do not tat anything fried. Too much fat. Lots of fresh fruit and protein for me. I love Mexican food. It goes down the best. No bread. That I do miss. I was a big sandwich and burger eater. Now I just eat the insides of both.

I also miss diet coke. I used to drink it all day long. Now it makes mu stomach hurt. I drink lots of hot and iced tea. Anyone have any suggestions on what else to drink that has very low sugar that is not just water?

40lb Gone! Never to Return!

Finally hit the 40lb mark this Sat. Thought that it would never happen. It feels like it took forever to reach. Robert had to remind me that I have not yet reached my 3 month post surgery date yet. It feels like forever ago that I had surgery. Life sure has changed since then. I am beginning to be able to eat more. I can still not tolerate bread or pasta. I miss the bread but not he pasta. Potatoes go down great. I can eat ground beef, pork, steak and some chicken. I have started trying fresh veggies and fruit too. I tried strawberries today and they were soooo gooood. I have also had raspberries, banana's, peaches, lettuce and tomatoes. I plan to try carrots next.

Getting enough protein in continues to be a challenge. They say I need 60g of protein a day and recommend 80g. I can barely get 40g. I have a orange juice based protein drink every AM but that is only worth 24g. I had to drink so many protein shakes prior to surgery they make me gag. I have ordered some online that I sure hope taste good.

Because of the lack of protein and rapid wt loss I am beginning to loose my hair. It is not like it is coming out in huge clumps but I have noticed that there is more in my hairbrush everyday. It is so depressing! I am so vain! For years I have made sure I like at least the head part of my body with good hair and makeup. I know that it will start to thicken in an a year but what if I am bald by then! I will have to go find a good wig store!

30lb Gone!

Has been a while since I have written. Time goes by quickly when you get busy and are feeling better. About 2 weeks ago my pain just went away. The doctor told me I would wake up one AM and it would be gone and she was right. I started back to work 1/2 days last week them back to work full time this week. Feels good to be active again. Even went up to Victoria to see my parents with no problems. I still am having some difficulties with nausea but even that is getting better with time. Many things are still hard to eat and sometimes I still want what I can not have but even the cravings and urges are getting easier to deal with. So to those that might be having this surgery be prepared to have pain and nausea after surgery but don't give up as it will pass! I thought I would never feel better, I was constantly asking what have I done to my self and wishing I had never done the surgery. Now almost 8 weeks post surgery things are starting to get back to normal. Life felt like it was on hold for so many weeks now it feels like it is moving again. I am down 30lb! It feels like it is not going away fast enough but I am no longer getting on the scale daily and this helps with not feeling so frustrated with the slow weight loss. Last year I would have been excited about 30lb but now I am looking forward to the 100lb mark. I know it will take time but I want it all gone now!

Just Checking In

Well it has been another difficult week. I tried to go to work on Monday and ended up in the ER. I started having bad pain at work from walking around. I lasted 1.5 hour at work. What a bummer. They did a CT scan in the ER but found nothing wrong(thank goodness). The doctor just told me that I still have a lot of inflammation. It is an awful lot of pain for just some swelling. They gave me something called lidocane patches to put on my ABD were the pain is.

So off to home we went. I spent the rest of the day in bed. The last 3 days has been a challenge. I tried the lidocane patches and ended up being horribly nauseated. So bad that i could not sit upright. So be warned  those that might be given there in the future. If you put on on and get nauseated it is from the patch and take it OFF!

So today I was still feeling queasy but have tried to eat a little. I had about 4 oz of yogurt, some water then some hummus and 1/4 pita. Slight nausea after this but not too bad. Took a nap then got up and made some tuna with a small amount of mayo, relish and horseradish. I took 3 or 4 bites over about 15 min. the I felt like I had a huge lump in my chest and the pain started. I could not get the food to go down or up. I ended up vomiting it all up after about 5 min of suffering. It really hurt to vomit(my ABD) and i wish I could say that I felt better but I don't. I no longer have the pressure or pain but am back to feeling nauseated. Oh what fun. I am mostly concerned about getting enough nutrition. Gosh I hope this turns around soon.

I was at bible study on Tuesday and found a passage in Romans that really spoke to me. "Not only so, but we also rejoice in out sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance: perseverance , character: and character, hope."

Back to Work!

Going back to work tomorrow. I am only doing 4 hours to start off with. I am still having pain in my side but I need to get out of this house. I am scared that I will not be able to handle the 4 hours. I have done some walking this weekend and doing the walking was OK but once I goe home had really bad pain. I am going to call my MD tomorrow and insist on a CT scan to see what is wrong. Staying home this long is so depressing! Having pain this long is so depressing!I am preparing foods to take with me as I do not think that the cafeteria will have what I need. No more cheeseburgers for me! Wish me luck!

I was looking back over a few entries and wow am I long winded at times. Nothing much has changed. I have not has the horrible pain again. I have gone back to eating soft foods and liquids again. They said it would be hard to get all the meals in throughout the day and they were right. Today so far I have only had cream of wheat, tomato soup and re fried beans. I still have 3 more meals to get in today plus a protein drink. Probably does not help much that I am sleeping most of the AM. Today I was up at 530am then back to bed at 8am until 1pm. It seems like my pain gets the worse at night.

I am still having the pain in my left side. I think that it is slowly getting better. At least I want to think that it is better. I have only taken Tylenol extra strength today. The problem is I do not have that much discomfort when sitting down. It is when I am up walking that it hurts. Last night I was so uncomfortable I needed 2 doses of pain med only 3 hours apart. I am going back to work for 1/2 days next week. We really need the money and I am going stir crazy. I hope I can handle it and the pain does not get to bad. If I am still so uncomfortable next week I am going to call the Surgeon and have them do some testing to see just what exactly is causing my pain.

I have been scared to get on the scale this week. Last week I did not loose any wt. I am stuck at 287lb. I am scared to get on the scale and the numbers will not have gone down. Maybe I will try tonight. It just makes me sad if I weigh myself and the numbers are the same.

Worst Pain I have Ever had

Last night I was eating scrambled eggs. I started having this tightening in my center chest and then sever sharp pain. Nothing would relieve the pain. I was experiencing my first episode of eating to fast and not chewing my food well enough. It was horrible. I thought that I was dying. I stood up, I sat down, I tried to take a drink of water to force the food down(that made the pain worse). I was sure I would vomit, pass out faint. It tool almost 30 min for things to calm down. It was terrible. Poor Robert was really freaked out. At least he new what was happening as the same thing has happened to him. I kept telling him I was having a heart attack. He assured me that I was not and the pain would pass soon. Needless to say I have had either protein shakes or very soft food all day. I do not understand why I can not eat eggs. You would think that soft boiled eggs and scrambled eggs would be soft enough to eat. I never want to try eating them again!

I went to the doctors again last Thursday. She thinks that I have a hematoma on my left side which is what is causing my pain on the left side. That and the nerve pain is probably caused from nerve damage from the surgery. I have to take another week off work. Yikes! I have no more time off built up. Little worried about that.
The doctor is giving my body 2 more weeks to see if it will absorb the hematoma on its own. If pain is still there it 2 weeks then I guess they will do some testing. I told the doctor that I feel that she and her staff think I am a drug seeker because I am still needing so much pain medication. She reassured me that she did not think this and that if anything I need to be taking more pain medication because I have not been taking any during the day because I am saving the medication for the evening. I guess I am sensitive to this being a nurse.

So here I am on the couch again this week. I was doing a few chores today and now I am having pain. So much for pushing to see if I can get moving. I was thinking that this must be gods way of holding me down until I am healed enough to go back to work. Even so it still sucks.

Beans for Supper Again

I am now taking puree foods hurray! I can now eat scrambled or soft boiled eggs, cottage cheese, soft cheese, re fried beans, and tuna. As long as the food has some protein is soft and almost liquid I can eat it. the re fried beans are the best. I am mixing them with salsa that I have pureed. Sprinkle a little grated cheese on the top and supper is served. Yummmm.

OK who am I kidding. I miss eating. I had a little "why did I do this", " I am tired of not being able to eat", "I can not do this, I love to eat to much" and " I want to eat!!!". Had a good cry but still feel low. I miss crunchy things. I miss chocolate covered donuts. I miss french fries. I know that I will be able to eat most foods again I just do not know if I will make it to that stage.

I love to eat which is what got me to were I am this minute. I have battled my weight since childhood. Some times I ask why me God?!! I look at strangers and friends and am jealous that they can eat all the food they want and still do not have a weight issue. I am scared that I am not going to loose weight even though I had the surgery. I have stalled at 286lb. I am afraid  that if I do loose the weight that I will gain it all back in 3-5 years. I was so motivated to have this surgery and now I am like what was I thinking!!

Let out of the house

Bob took me to the mall today. It felt good to get out of the house. We were expecting that there would be wheelchair to rent but could not find one so I walked. We did not go far. Just went in Sears and JC penny's. It was just enough. I was having significant pain by the time we got back to the car. Except for the pain it felt nice to get off the couch.

Yesterday and today I have had this feeling in my upper abd/chest area that feels like indigestion. It is like this pressure and nausea feeling at the same time. The doctors told me on Tuesday night to take the ibuprofen and I wonder if that irritated my new stomach. The other thing I think it might be is constipation. I went 11 days without pooping! I kept asking my doctor and nurse about when I should have a poop. They kept telling me to not worry about it. I finally had Robert go and get me something to drink to make my poop. I think that I still need to go more and am considering taking some magnesium citrate. I can not decide if the feeling in my stomach is from constipation, heartburn or something else I have not thought of. I have to call the MD tomorrow to ask for more pain medications and will ask then.

I got on the scale yesterday and was 285.7. that's 20lb down!

One week Post surgery

Had to go to the ER on Tuesday night. Started having really sever pain and the medications did not help. after getting kids off to a friends house for the night we went down to Virgina Mason. They did some blood work and x rays but could not find anything wrong. I spoke with on of the doctors that saw me while in hospital and he told me to start crushing ibuprofen and take it every 6 hours along with a muscle relaxer and my pain med when needed. Everything I have read about this surgery tells you not to take Ibuprofen after surgery.  I am taking it now but it makes me nervous because I do not want an ulcer or something. So after 3 hours at the ER we got back home around 2am. Felt like a total idiot for going but at least I was no longer having nay pain. I felt really guilty disrupting Sarah and Jacob in the middle of the night to go to another persons home. I felt guilty that Robert still went to work in the AM. I have tried to figure out what set the pain off. All I can come up with is I dried my hair with the blow drier earlier in the day, I bent over to get a pan out of the stove and I bent over to get something out of a bag that was on the floor. Maybe one of these things started it. Pain has been better today moving a little easier. I still can not stand for longer than about 60 sec without burning pain in my side. Maybe now I am just getting used to it.

Getting tired of Protein shakes, cream soup, yogurt and boost. Kids has McDonald's last night and man did I ever want a cheeseburger. I normally hate them but last night it sounded really good. Ahhhh the price we pay to be skinny. Wt today was 287lb. I keep waiting for the scale to start going the other way as it always has done in the past. It does not feel real yet to me. Maybe when I need smaller pants and can shop in the "normal" ladies section it will feel real.

Nothing New

Just thought I would write a note. Pain is slowly getting better. Almost no pain sitting or lying down. Standing still and walking are still a bitch. Starting  to get a little bored at home. I have been watching the show Ugly Betty. I have never seen it before last week. It is so funny!

Robert is starting to have a rough time manging work, kids and me. He is trying not show it buy I know. I did it all when he had his surgery last year and it was really hard. Getting kids picked up by 530, supper made, getting to after school activities on time getting every one in bath and bed by 8pm. Don't forget the homework. I survived and so will he. I have been trying to get up in the AM to help with Sarah lunch and breakfast. That is about all I can do right now. Well except direct everyone from the couch. I could never have done this without his support. Hang in there Honey!

Thanks to all that have given me encouragement and replies on my blog or Facebook. You have no idea how much that means to me.

289lb today!

Bad Night

Had a bad night last night. Had a lot of incision and gas pain . Who knew that gas would be so painful. I need to look up the whole gas thing after this surgery because it is horrible. I was up almost every 2 hours last night in pain. I even had a little self pity cry at one point. I was not taking as much pain med yesterday as I should because I am arfaid of running out of pain meds and looking like a drug seeker. I almost called the MD this am to ask for more pain meds. Robert suggested a whole muscle relaxer instead of 1/2 and this with the pain med has helped. I will still need to call the surgeon tomorrow and tell her what an idiot her intern is for ordering me such a small amount of medication. 

On a good note I got on the scale today. Here it is world. My pre-surgery weight was 305lb. Today I am 294lb. Made me feel a little better.

Home

Came home from the hospital today. I have not felt up to writing. The first day after my surgery is a little foggy. I was having really bad withdrawal effects from my antidepressants. If I miss a day or two of my meds I start feeling lightheaded and dizzy. The nursing staff  was acting like they did not believe me. It took all day until 3pm to get one of my pills and also that long to get an order for me to have clear liquids. My nurse was a twit that day. She was not my nurse again thank goodness. On the second day post surgery I was feeling better. Had a shower. Was allowed to have thicker fluids like soup, cream of wheat and pudding. No more dizziness. Came home today. Kids were still alive as were Grandma and Grandpa. I made the mistake of getting on the scale when I came home. No weight loss yet. Robert told me not to as he took a few days at home for the fluid he was holding to to let go then he could seethe weight loss. Glad to be home in my own bed.

Made It!

Made it through surgery yesterday. Had significant pain all night. Had a trying nurse today. She kept pushing me to do more than I was ready to do. I was having withdrawal from not taking my Effexor for 2 days. It is horrible. Dizziness, double vision. The pain meds make me really sleepy. I sure hope I sleep better tonight, Hope I get a new nurse tomorrow.

Tomorrow Is the Big Day!

I wish that I could just go to bed right now and it would be tomorrow morning. It is hard waiting. I am on clear liquids only today. Yuck! Surprisingly I am not all that hungry. Being in health care I see everything that could go wrong. Infection, bowel obstruction, PE, Blood clots, incision dehissance, ect. I am such a worrier.

Why?

Some people have asked me why I am considering doing such a big surgery just to loose wt. They say things like cant  you just eat a better, diet and exercise? How about joining weight watchers? Been there, done that. Several times in fact. What people that have never been obese realize is that it is really hard for a obese ( or in my case morbidly obese) person to loose wt. I have tried the weight watchers, Atkins, La wt loss, slim fast and starvation diets. I have done the eating nothing but vegetables and fruit all day them a small dinner. I have done the 7 days a week exercise. It always ends in the same. Loose 10-20 lb then it gradually comes back. I have been over 200lb since I was 17 years old. Most people do not realize how heavy I am. It is partly genetics(my build resembles several aunts) but the other part is I am addicted to eating. Not that I go to Mac Donald's and eat 3 supper size meals, but I like to graze all day long. I like the starches. I like the sweets. It is hard to deny these things to myself. To explain it to someone that has never had a wt problem it is like an addiction or disease. Like Bulimia, anorexia, drugs or smoking. I am addicted to eating and it is hard to stop for any lenght of time.

I am doing this to be healthier, to live longer for my kids, to play sports with my kids, to grow old with my husband and to feel better about myself.

Things I am Looking forward to

Here is a list of the things that I am looking forward to doing once I loose weight.

1. To be able to sit with my legs crossed for longer than 10 seconds
2. Shopping at any store I want to for clothing instead of only at plus size clothing stores
3. To be able to sit comfortably in an air plane seat
4. Go on amusement rides with my kids
5. Never worry that a seat belt will not fit me on a plain or ride
6. Fitting a smaller bra size!
7. Go horse back riding
8. Not being scared that a chair will break when I sit in it
9. My joints not hurting when I climb stairs
10. Being able to dance, two step, with my husband with out feeling like I need an oxygen bottle at the end of only on dance!

9 Days to go!

I had Robert (my husband) take pre-surgery pictures of me on Friday night. It was like having mug shots done. It is really hard to look at these pictures. It is different when you have pictured taken in a formal setting. Those pictures are not normally full body shots. So after that depressing chore I did pre-surgery measurements of myself. Surprisingly that did not bother me as much. The one thing that I hope shrinks are my boobs! It is so hard to find a bra in my size. I have to order them on line. Well off to have my strawberry shake for lunch.

11 Days to go!

11 days to go until my surgery. Everyone that I have told is surprised that I am having gastric bypass surgery. They so no think that I am heavy enough to need it. If they only new. I will post my wt at a later date. I trying hard to follow the pre-op diet. Protein shake for breakfast and one for lunch. Then a low carb supper. It is reallyy hard to do. I get hungry around 2pm. If I eat another carrot I might puke.