Worst Pain I have Ever had

Last night I was eating scrambled eggs. I started having this tightening in my center chest and then sever sharp pain. Nothing would relieve the pain. I was experiencing my first episode of eating to fast and not chewing my food well enough. It was horrible. I thought that I was dying. I stood up, I sat down, I tried to take a drink of water to force the food down(that made the pain worse). I was sure I would vomit, pass out faint. It tool almost 30 min for things to calm down. It was terrible. Poor Robert was really freaked out. At least he new what was happening as the same thing has happened to him. I kept telling him I was having a heart attack. He assured me that I was not and the pain would pass soon. Needless to say I have had either protein shakes or very soft food all day. I do not understand why I can not eat eggs. You would think that soft boiled eggs and scrambled eggs would be soft enough to eat. I never want to try eating them again!

I went to the doctors again last Thursday. She thinks that I have a hematoma on my left side which is what is causing my pain on the left side. That and the nerve pain is probably caused from nerve damage from the surgery. I have to take another week off work. Yikes! I have no more time off built up. Little worried about that.
The doctor is giving my body 2 more weeks to see if it will absorb the hematoma on its own. If pain is still there it 2 weeks then I guess they will do some testing. I told the doctor that I feel that she and her staff think I am a drug seeker because I am still needing so much pain medication. She reassured me that she did not think this and that if anything I need to be taking more pain medication because I have not been taking any during the day because I am saving the medication for the evening. I guess I am sensitive to this being a nurse.

So here I am on the couch again this week. I was doing a few chores today and now I am having pain. So much for pushing to see if I can get moving. I was thinking that this must be gods way of holding me down until I am healed enough to go back to work. Even so it still sucks.

Beans for Supper Again

I am now taking puree foods hurray! I can now eat scrambled or soft boiled eggs, cottage cheese, soft cheese, re fried beans, and tuna. As long as the food has some protein is soft and almost liquid I can eat it. the re fried beans are the best. I am mixing them with salsa that I have pureed. Sprinkle a little grated cheese on the top and supper is served. Yummmm.

OK who am I kidding. I miss eating. I had a little "why did I do this", " I am tired of not being able to eat", "I can not do this, I love to eat to much" and " I want to eat!!!". Had a good cry but still feel low. I miss crunchy things. I miss chocolate covered donuts. I miss french fries. I know that I will be able to eat most foods again I just do not know if I will make it to that stage.

I love to eat which is what got me to were I am this minute. I have battled my weight since childhood. Some times I ask why me God?!! I look at strangers and friends and am jealous that they can eat all the food they want and still do not have a weight issue. I am scared that I am not going to loose weight even though I had the surgery. I have stalled at 286lb. I am afraid  that if I do loose the weight that I will gain it all back in 3-5 years. I was so motivated to have this surgery and now I am like what was I thinking!!

Let out of the house

Bob took me to the mall today. It felt good to get out of the house. We were expecting that there would be wheelchair to rent but could not find one so I walked. We did not go far. Just went in Sears and JC penny's. It was just enough. I was having significant pain by the time we got back to the car. Except for the pain it felt nice to get off the couch.

Yesterday and today I have had this feeling in my upper abd/chest area that feels like indigestion. It is like this pressure and nausea feeling at the same time. The doctors told me on Tuesday night to take the ibuprofen and I wonder if that irritated my new stomach. The other thing I think it might be is constipation. I went 11 days without pooping! I kept asking my doctor and nurse about when I should have a poop. They kept telling me to not worry about it. I finally had Robert go and get me something to drink to make my poop. I think that I still need to go more and am considering taking some magnesium citrate. I can not decide if the feeling in my stomach is from constipation, heartburn or something else I have not thought of. I have to call the MD tomorrow to ask for more pain medications and will ask then.

I got on the scale yesterday and was 285.7. that's 20lb down!

One week Post surgery

Had to go to the ER on Tuesday night. Started having really sever pain and the medications did not help. after getting kids off to a friends house for the night we went down to Virgina Mason. They did some blood work and x rays but could not find anything wrong. I spoke with on of the doctors that saw me while in hospital and he told me to start crushing ibuprofen and take it every 6 hours along with a muscle relaxer and my pain med when needed. Everything I have read about this surgery tells you not to take Ibuprofen after surgery.  I am taking it now but it makes me nervous because I do not want an ulcer or something. So after 3 hours at the ER we got back home around 2am. Felt like a total idiot for going but at least I was no longer having nay pain. I felt really guilty disrupting Sarah and Jacob in the middle of the night to go to another persons home. I felt guilty that Robert still went to work in the AM. I have tried to figure out what set the pain off. All I can come up with is I dried my hair with the blow drier earlier in the day, I bent over to get a pan out of the stove and I bent over to get something out of a bag that was on the floor. Maybe one of these things started it. Pain has been better today moving a little easier. I still can not stand for longer than about 60 sec without burning pain in my side. Maybe now I am just getting used to it.

Getting tired of Protein shakes, cream soup, yogurt and boost. Kids has McDonald's last night and man did I ever want a cheeseburger. I normally hate them but last night it sounded really good. Ahhhh the price we pay to be skinny. Wt today was 287lb. I keep waiting for the scale to start going the other way as it always has done in the past. It does not feel real yet to me. Maybe when I need smaller pants and can shop in the "normal" ladies section it will feel real.

Nothing New

Just thought I would write a note. Pain is slowly getting better. Almost no pain sitting or lying down. Standing still and walking are still a bitch. Starting  to get a little bored at home. I have been watching the show Ugly Betty. I have never seen it before last week. It is so funny!

Robert is starting to have a rough time manging work, kids and me. He is trying not show it buy I know. I did it all when he had his surgery last year and it was really hard. Getting kids picked up by 530, supper made, getting to after school activities on time getting every one in bath and bed by 8pm. Don't forget the homework. I survived and so will he. I have been trying to get up in the AM to help with Sarah lunch and breakfast. That is about all I can do right now. Well except direct everyone from the couch. I could never have done this without his support. Hang in there Honey!

Thanks to all that have given me encouragement and replies on my blog or Facebook. You have no idea how much that means to me.

289lb today!

Bad Night

Had a bad night last night. Had a lot of incision and gas pain . Who knew that gas would be so painful. I need to look up the whole gas thing after this surgery because it is horrible. I was up almost every 2 hours last night in pain. I even had a little self pity cry at one point. I was not taking as much pain med yesterday as I should because I am arfaid of running out of pain meds and looking like a drug seeker. I almost called the MD this am to ask for more pain meds. Robert suggested a whole muscle relaxer instead of 1/2 and this with the pain med has helped. I will still need to call the surgeon tomorrow and tell her what an idiot her intern is for ordering me such a small amount of medication. 

On a good note I got on the scale today. Here it is world. My pre-surgery weight was 305lb. Today I am 294lb. Made me feel a little better.

Home

Came home from the hospital today. I have not felt up to writing. The first day after my surgery is a little foggy. I was having really bad withdrawal effects from my antidepressants. If I miss a day or two of my meds I start feeling lightheaded and dizzy. The nursing staff  was acting like they did not believe me. It took all day until 3pm to get one of my pills and also that long to get an order for me to have clear liquids. My nurse was a twit that day. She was not my nurse again thank goodness. On the second day post surgery I was feeling better. Had a shower. Was allowed to have thicker fluids like soup, cream of wheat and pudding. No more dizziness. Came home today. Kids were still alive as were Grandma and Grandpa. I made the mistake of getting on the scale when I came home. No weight loss yet. Robert told me not to as he took a few days at home for the fluid he was holding to to let go then he could seethe weight loss. Glad to be home in my own bed.

Made It!

Made it through surgery yesterday. Had significant pain all night. Had a trying nurse today. She kept pushing me to do more than I was ready to do. I was having withdrawal from not taking my Effexor for 2 days. It is horrible. Dizziness, double vision. The pain meds make me really sleepy. I sure hope I sleep better tonight, Hope I get a new nurse tomorrow.

Tomorrow Is the Big Day!

I wish that I could just go to bed right now and it would be tomorrow morning. It is hard waiting. I am on clear liquids only today. Yuck! Surprisingly I am not all that hungry. Being in health care I see everything that could go wrong. Infection, bowel obstruction, PE, Blood clots, incision dehissance, ect. I am such a worrier.

Why?

Some people have asked me why I am considering doing such a big surgery just to loose wt. They say things like cant  you just eat a better, diet and exercise? How about joining weight watchers? Been there, done that. Several times in fact. What people that have never been obese realize is that it is really hard for a obese ( or in my case morbidly obese) person to loose wt. I have tried the weight watchers, Atkins, La wt loss, slim fast and starvation diets. I have done the eating nothing but vegetables and fruit all day them a small dinner. I have done the 7 days a week exercise. It always ends in the same. Loose 10-20 lb then it gradually comes back. I have been over 200lb since I was 17 years old. Most people do not realize how heavy I am. It is partly genetics(my build resembles several aunts) but the other part is I am addicted to eating. Not that I go to Mac Donald's and eat 3 supper size meals, but I like to graze all day long. I like the starches. I like the sweets. It is hard to deny these things to myself. To explain it to someone that has never had a wt problem it is like an addiction or disease. Like Bulimia, anorexia, drugs or smoking. I am addicted to eating and it is hard to stop for any lenght of time.

I am doing this to be healthier, to live longer for my kids, to play sports with my kids, to grow old with my husband and to feel better about myself.

Things I am Looking forward to

Here is a list of the things that I am looking forward to doing once I loose weight.

1. To be able to sit with my legs crossed for longer than 10 seconds
2. Shopping at any store I want to for clothing instead of only at plus size clothing stores
3. To be able to sit comfortably in an air plane seat
4. Go on amusement rides with my kids
5. Never worry that a seat belt will not fit me on a plain or ride
6. Fitting a smaller bra size!
7. Go horse back riding
8. Not being scared that a chair will break when I sit in it
9. My joints not hurting when I climb stairs
10. Being able to dance, two step, with my husband with out feeling like I need an oxygen bottle at the end of only on dance!